ESC

H.O.L.I.D.A.Y.S.

Martin's Place

Macquarie Street

Museum of Conservatory of Music

Circular Quay

Nurse's walk

As above

Jenolan Caves, Blue mountains

Jenolan Caves, Blue Mountains

Abuklea Road, Marsfield

Kings Cross

Centennial Park

HillsBus

Circular Quay

Bondi Beach

Memories. The ones we choose to keep and the ones we hope to erase. Its funny how time works and frames every history. The time when we let our guards down and let someone have a peek of what's inside and to satisfy our curiosity. It is beautiful how that first feeling of being interested in and how we play the chase game. The game of hiding from being too vulnerable, too needy and too interested. We feed from the tension our ego cost to the other person,priceless. And the fact that no matter how hard we play the game, that person will not budge and rather be more hungry.

I remember the time, the burst of adrenalin rush and happiness whenever someone close to me fall into the realm of love. It defies everything you have ever known. Its as if the world has became secondary and you are in charge. The addiction, obsession and the thrill that gives that lift you needed. Its as if this thing is so sacred that you need to fight with your life to protect it, as if to keep the candle burning. Nothing matters. Not the hassle, not the wait, not the people surrounding you. You invest every bit of your soul into giving the best gift, dressing up your very best and..in short, it brought out the best in you. I remember those times.I remember me. Dressed up in that black shiny top with that favourite blue jean. Make-up and my favourite perfume.All to be paired with that 4 inches heel. Singing with all my heart in the traffic under the afternoon sun. Messages to say "sorry im late again" and that grin when i got a reply saying "i will wait for you". Making sure i looked my best looking at the reflection of the car window. Walking with pride, with every stride, there was euphoria. And there was him sitting at the corner of Starbucks. Dressed in his best white collared, long sleeved shirt with a laid back blue jean. Watching him arrange my drink so as to present it best, and to show that he really just wants to make it perfect. A kiss on the back of his neck to say hi. And that look in his eyes saying "you are beautiful". And those little whispers close enough to his ear so that he can smell my perfume.
We were carefree, madly in love and so in love with life.
Time has passed. Its as if im seeing the world playing in fast forward. And now im in the present time when all of those are just very sweet memories of the chase. Very sweet. I just know, with all these gut feeling that those are sweet memories and it will remain that way. Now and forever. It is hard to swallow and to strive through another day. Passionless. Dead.

I remember the curiosity i had, the curiosity of how two people can be one and the next moment they are separated by the whole world and be two very very different, separate individuals again. The question has been answered. Really intriguing and yet so logic. I am not yearning for the past anymore. But one thing im sure is I've learned, experienced and lived.

:)

" why dont you delete your e-mails?"
" well it makes me feel kinda important"

"when i get stressed i just wish i can go out and run or something"
" when i get stressed i just shut it up with food!"

Harris Park, Parramatta

Coogee via Bondi

Go peacefully,love

Jane

There are two parts of me. I am wild and i am jane. I knew, i know and i will always be aware but my logic always saves me from the inner dare-devil that i am.
If someone says life is short, i am almost certain that i will live a primitive life.
FOOD.SEX.SLEEP.
People, there are the ones that enjoy a chaotic young life and ones that take pride in their achievements but lifeless souls.
As the older people say, we drift off, we betray the faith of the ones we love when we hit the question, what else in life?
We need a stroke of ego, we need the fireworks, we need attention, we need to be wanted, we need to feel like the most delicate being in the whole universe...well that's what they say.
I would say in disgust, " you selfish bastard".
Now, its me,myself... Identity crisis, whatever one may call it. I know it by definition.
Feels so good to be noticed, leaving you hungry for more and when not being fed, you hate life, you hate the ones around you.You are not passionate about anything anymore until you get teased with euphoria. Fantasies. The LOOK-AT-ME behaviour, i would describe as. But then, you want to play safe. You stay as jane.

Then we ask, are we lying to ourselves?

People, cigarettes, croissant, the morning sun and a cup of tea.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/alvarolopez/383932562/in/set-72157604260722548/

Funnily enough, every time i imagine myself living the life i want, it is really simple. Lying on grass enjoying the sun, walking on the narrow streets in Italy or sitting at a busy café at Capri enjoying the guitar and the people.

I love people. I love their stories. I love the language. How people fall in love and be totally lost, captivated in the world of their own.

How people travelled the world working at sea, know what they want in life, got it, moved on with life then started a family and a business.

How people dedicate themselves to yoga and the sea. How they can be so passionate about their trade, putting themselves there appreciating the beauty of their work.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/54015014@N00/183384037/

One day, i will look at the horizon holding the hands of the one i love, satisfied with the beauty that surrounds me.

One day, i will tell my story with glory and pride to the ones eager to hear.

One day, i will be free.

One day i will be them, the wise people.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/parapet/1412810645/

Strive to be confused

I am tired of being tired

Tired of chasing the intangible
If i stop,

Will i miss that chance?

Though the sun rises from the east and sets on the west

So that the rays set on every part of the sunflower

What will i be if i forsake the chances?

What if ?

Even the trees in the tropical forests climb to harvest light

What am i with limbs and thoughts to give up?

Shame on me, shame on me.

That bugger clock

Don't blame yourself for procrastinating. It is just plain uninteresting.

A beautiful stranger

The sunlight glaring but still the chilling cold. The unmistakable roars of the engine in distress. Yet another day to kill at work, i sighed. My eyes wandered and there he was sitting a couple of feet from me. An attractive man he was. His soft brown hair neatly cut. His beautiful blue eyes gazed on the passing trees. Cleanly shaven, so sexually attractive. His shoulders so broad showing such manhood. A coat and a briefcase. An important meeting perhaps...
A girl got on the bus and stood beside him balancing herself as the bus pushes forward. She bent down arranging her bags. His attention shifted to her rear. Eyes fixated. Scanned and looked away.
She didn't quite make it, i knew. I looked at her physique. Pear- shaped. Short legs. Fairly beautiful skin. Average rear. She did not quite make it, for him.
She bent again. His attention shifted again. I knew what was on his mind. Males, sexual fantasies and what not.
I smiled just looking at his primitive instincts. I traced his body from his eyes, down his cleanly shaved neck again...and he abruptly pulled himself up with his hands strongly gripping the side pole . The guy next to him alighted. He then lowered his body again and used his arms to drag himself to the window seat.
Something looked amiss.
"Wanna seat?", he asked the standing girl. She took the aisle seat. She KNEW he was looking at her.She sat so uncomfortably with the heels of her feet suspended in the air, putting all the pressure on her toes so as to minimize the size of her thighs.
I smiled again looking at them but something was amiss.
My attention drifted.We reached the station. Everyone got into a queue to obediently alight like kids in pre-school. He pulled himself up with his arms again and swung his left leg out. He waited to join the line. I stopped abruptly. Not knowing why. He looked at me. "Thank you", he said under his breath.
He lowered his right leg, hand firmly gripping the handle of the door. His left followed. He walked off in a hurry, with a limp. A limp.
My heart cried in dismay. I frowned as he limped away. What a pity. He possessed the beauty of a man's physique but why the limp? What went through his mind when i stopped to let him pass? How does he perceive himself as a privileged person? Does he believe in god? Does he hate life?

Taste the poison

Talking about sacrifice, it is nothing as it sounds unless someone gives up their dignity, self-worth and their every ounce of strength for another person. Among the thousands of people i met throughout my lifetime, there are a few who are truly life heroes. Some might earn minimum wages but they are respected for every effort they put in to earning every cent.
I complained. I fretted. I had a wrath against life. Ignorant and blinded by comfort.
I found a job. I'm working. Now i've tasted the poison. To taste exactly how hard it is to have food on the table, or simply to survive.
Now, i think twice before saying how unfair the world is because at the end of the day i know i'm truly blessed.

Manly Beach

Looking back...

It's been a semester. Time really flies when all you do is yearn for tomorrow to come. I dread that habit but sometimes i just wish that time will pass and everything will be okay again. Many things have changed. I have grown way beyond what i believed. I've been hurt, been happy, been hopeful and hopeless. I lost a friend, lost a family member and now i have a new nephew. People moved on.. kids growing up, closest friend going overseas, closest cousin gave birth, relatives getting better jobs, people having new dreams..hey, that's life.

Any regrets so far? Of course. I wish i had been more optimistic, more out there, grasping whatever i can. People i met made me believe differently. They do drugs.......you name it, marijuana, ice, grass, ecstasy and acid. They party from Wednesdays to Saturdays. One spent 30,000 AUD on clubbing alone in a month... but i realized i am nobody to judge. Then there are those who devote themselves to god.Weekends at church..great family dinners.They are happy. That's all that matters.

Ive seen the most beautiful autumn, experienced it.. and of course the first winter! I will experience snow soon, with people i love, i hope.

In studies, i may not be the best but i know that i've done my best. I'll just leave the door open and let myself be vulnerable to new experiences this holidays. AND YES, ITS THE HOLIDAYS!!! Cheers!

Winter Blues

Pause.

Hopeless romantic

I am a hopeless romantic. Love is such a beautiful thing. Love heals fear, pain, loneliness and it just makes you feel whole again. Before, i wasn't a believer in the marriage institution. Believe me, love changes perception. The feeling of wanting to be bonded to the love of your life forever. To tell him " yes, I'm yours". It isn't just papers, it is a spiritual engagement. Love is a dedication of life and soul. A beauty in itself.

To let him kiss your forehead when he sees you

To hold hands while staring into each other's eyes

To watch the sunrise and plan the future together

To dance with him to your favorite love song on your wedding day

Him holding you tight, you feeling beautiful

To let yourself melt in his arms

To hear the precious whisper "i love you"

To make love endlessly

To make the promise to be together for eternity

Sounds perfect and i let myself believe. Why not give your all when he may be taken away from you? Why not kiss him and remind him of how much you love him? Why not have candlelight dinners? Why not renew your vows on every wedding anniversary?

The most beautiful way of describing the cycle of love i've heard this far is "...when there is love,life begins.Over and over again.."

The naked skies

Life's little pleasures...

If i were given the chance to change a thing in the past 19 years, i would live to the fullest each and everyday. When was the last time you smiled at a stranger? When was the last time you danced in the kitchen? When was the last time you slept under the stars?
Everyday is worth a memory. Every second is worth a smile.

Life is nothing but beautiful when you have the choice to

have your lunch by the sea

then have your sushi box in the city at night...

and get lost after that.

Vineyard Creek, Rydalmere

Autumn leaves beneath my feet

Trees curl up to face the bitter winter

The seagull rushed to reside

The morning dew froze on my skin

Grand Pacific Drive

"An old train powered by steam, hustling through neighbourhoods across seas, forests and rivers. Taking a sip of hot tea, i stare at the horizon. Inhaling, i let my eyes feast on what is ahead..." It is a dream of mine to travel to rural areas where farms are still green, where people smile when rain falls, where children laugh when being chased by puppies, where people love food and most importantly life itself. Peru perhaps?

I have always thought if i were to have only one of the five senses, i will always choose to have sight.