I remember the time, the burst of adrenalin rush and happiness whenever someone close to me fall into the realm of love. It defies everything you have ever known. Its as if the world has became secondary and you are in charge. The addiction, obsession and the thrill that gives that lift you needed. Its as if this thing is so sacred that you need to fight with your life to protect it, as if to keep the candle burning. Nothing matters. Not the hassle, not the wait, not the people surrounding you. You invest every bit of your soul into giving the best gift, dressing up your very best and..in short, it brought out the best in you. I remember those times.I remember me. Dressed up in that black shiny top with that favourite blue jean. Make-up and my favourite perfume.All to be paired with that 4 inches heel. Singing with all my heart in the traffic under the afternoon sun. Messages to say "sorry im late again" and that grin when i got a reply saying "i will wait for you". Making sure i looked my best looking at the reflection of the car window. Walking with pride, with every stride, there was euphoria. And there was him sitting at the corner of Starbucks. Dressed in his best white collared, long sleeved shirt with a laid back blue jean. Watching him arrange my drink so as to present it best, and to show that he really just wants to make it perfect. A kiss on the back of his neck to say hi. And that look in his eyes saying "you are beautiful". And those little whispers close enough to his ear so that he can smell my perfume.
We were carefree, madly in love and so in love with life.
Time has passed. Its as if im seeing the world playing in fast forward. And now im in the present time when all of those are just very sweet memories of the chase. Very sweet. I just know, with all these gut feeling that those are sweet memories and it will remain that way. Now and forever. It is hard to swallow and to strive through another day. Passionless. Dead.
I remember the curiosity i had, the curiosity of how two people can be one and the next moment they are separated by the whole world and be two very very different, separate individuals again. The question has been answered. Really intriguing and yet so logic. I am not yearning for the past anymore. But one thing im sure is I've learned, experienced and lived.
If someone says life is short, i am almost certain that i will live a primitive life.
People, there are the ones that enjoy a chaotic young life and ones that take pride in their achievements but lifeless souls.
As the older people say, we drift off, we betray the faith of the ones we love when we hit the question, what else in life?
We need a stroke of ego, we need the fireworks, we need attention, we need to be wanted, we need to feel like the most delicate being in the whole universe...well that's what they say.
I would say in disgust, " you selfish bastard".
Now, its me,myself... Identity crisis, whatever one may call it. I know it by definition.
Feels so good to be noticed, leaving you hungry for more and when not being fed, you hate life, you hate the ones around you.You are not passionate about anything anymore until you get teased with euphoria. Fantasies. The LOOK-AT-ME behaviour, i would describe as. But then, you want to play safe. You stay as jane.
Then we ask, are we lying to ourselves?
If i stop,
A girl got on the bus and stood beside him balancing herself as the bus pushes forward. She bent down arranging her bags. His attention shifted to her rear. Eyes fixated. Scanned and looked away.
She didn't quite make it, i knew. I looked at her physique. Pear- shaped. Short legs. Fairly beautiful skin. Average rear. She did not quite make it, for him.
She bent again. His attention shifted again. I knew what was on his mind. Males, sexual fantasies and what not.
I smiled just looking at his primitive instincts. I traced his body from his eyes, down his cleanly shaved neck again...and he abruptly pulled himself up with his hands strongly gripping the side pole . The guy next to him alighted. He then lowered his body again and used his arms to drag himself to the window seat.
Something looked amiss.
"Wanna seat?", he asked the standing girl. She took the aisle seat. She KNEW he was looking at her.She sat so uncomfortably with the heels of her feet suspended in the air, putting all the pressure on her toes so as to minimize the size of her thighs.
I smiled again looking at them but something was amiss.
My attention drifted.We reached the station. Everyone got into a queue to obediently alight like kids in pre-school. He pulled himself up with his arms again and swung his left leg out. He waited to join the line. I stopped abruptly. Not knowing why. He looked at me. "Thank you", he said under his breath.
He lowered his right leg, hand firmly gripping the handle of the door. His left followed. He walked off in a hurry, with a limp. A limp.
My heart cried in dismay. I frowned as he limped away. What a pity. He possessed the beauty of a man's physique but why the limp? What went through his mind when i stopped to let him pass? How does he perceive himself as a privileged person? Does he believe in god? Does he hate life?
I complained. I fretted. I had a wrath against life. Ignorant and blinded by comfort.
I found a job. I'm working. Now i've tasted the poison. To taste exactly how hard it is to have food on the table, or simply to survive.
Now, i think twice before saying how unfair the world is because at the end of the day i know i'm truly blessed.
I am a hopeless romantic. Love is such a beautiful thing. Love heals fear, pain, loneliness and it just makes you feel whole again. Before, i wasn't a believer in the marriage institution. Believe me, love changes perception. The feeling of wanting to be bonded to the love of your life forever. To tell him " yes, I'm yours". It isn't just papers, it is a spiritual engagement. Love is a dedication of life and soul. A beauty in itself.
To let him kiss your forehead when he sees you
To hold hands while staring into each other's eyes
To watch the sunrise and plan the future together
To dance with him to your favorite love song on your wedding day
Him holding you tight, you feeling beautiful
To let yourself melt in his arms
To hear the precious whisper "i love you"
To make love endlessly
To make the promise to be together for eternity
Sounds perfect and i let myself believe. Why not give your all when he may be taken away from you? Why not kiss him and remind him of how much you love him? Why not have candlelight dinners? Why not renew your vows on every wedding anniversary?
The most beautiful way of describing the cycle of love i've heard this far is "...when there is love,life begins.Over and over again.."
Everyday is worth a memory. Every second is worth a smile.
have your lunch by the sea
then have your sushi box in the city at night...
and get lost after that.
I have always thought if i were to have only one of the five senses, i will always choose to have sight.
It is for moments like these when i am holding my breath letting myself be overwhelmed by it.
Life is beautiful. It is.